The Things You Need to Know

You Were Planned

I think I told you this before, but just in case you didn't know or possibly forgot, you were planned.

I knew I was pregnant before I took a pregnancy test. Your dad and I lived in an apartment in Canton, right off Ford Rd. I can't remember the name and the way they have built up around Canton, I doubt if it's surrounded by the same stores or if the apartment complex is still there.

Anyway, we were coming home from somewhere and we lived on the second floor, which was the top floor. We lived in the first apartment of four, right on the left.

The housekeepers just got done cleaning. and I could smell the cleaning solutions they used. I got nauseous and I knew right then I was pregnant. We had been trying for a while and this time I knew we had done it!

The First Time I Saw You

When I was pregnant, every night before I went to bed I would have a glass of milk, It would make you kick around like crazy. I loved how you felt moving around in my stomach.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was drinking my milk like usual and then something incredible happened.

I could not only feel you moving, but I saw you. You turned around in my stomach and crossed your legs. I could see your legs poking out of my stomach! It was so cool, and you did that every night till I gave birth.

You would cross your legs the same way after you were born. I loved you so much!!!

You Changed My Life

The moment I laid eyes on you, my life changed forever! I instantly wanted to be a better person. You inspired me to become more than I was.

You did more than change my life, you saved my life! I was so lost and you gave my life direction. I didn't just want to smoke weed and drink. I wanted to be someone that made you proud, and from that moment I started to get better.

The Stages of My Healing

I had so much turmoil in me, I didn't know which direction to turn. I just knew I wanted more. The first major improvement was after your dad and I separated and I finally got my own place.

It was when we lived in Canton Commons. Then I got a job as a front desk clerk at the hotel down the street from us and then I started going to college.

They were definitely steps in the right direction, but I still was lost. I didn't know how to stop my pain. I had a lot of trauma.

A lot from childhood trying to fit in and be accepted. Growing up around all white people in the 80's I always felt ugly. My hair was different and I didn't have anyone crushing on me in school.

Around black people I never felt pretty either, I was tall and skinny. All the beautiful black girls were thick and had long hair. My hair never grew! I hated it and I hated my body!

I just wanted someone to love me and that's why I was always looking for love in all the wrong places. I wanted to be loved but never felt like I deserved to be treated like a queen.

It was weird. I felt cute and always took care of myself, but deep inside I felt worthless and I struggled because I lacked self-worth. Thank God your grandmom, my mom raised me with good values. It kept me out of a lot of trouble.

I got lucky with your dad, but I never felt like I was good enough for him. He treated me very good, but I self-destructed and so did he. Our divorce wasn't your fault. We were young adults with a lot of internal pain.

We gave each other comfort, but our inner demons were too much and we messed up a good thing.

When I Got Saved

One night I came home from Clubin' it was New Year's Eve and I felt terrible. My life wasn't going the way I wanted and I was in a great deal of pain.

I was upset and crying and decided to turn on the tv, I thought it might make me feel better. There were scriptures floating across the screen and for the first time I understood what they were saying.

I gave my heart to the Lord and that Sunday we went to God Land. I found a lot of comfort there and we went there for a while before going to DWO.

We went to DWO because I wanted a good children's ministry for you.

I got better, and through the years God worked a lot of miracles in my life. Up to this very day.

Life Wasn't All Terrible

I loved going to the beach with you and bar-b-qing in the backyard. I loved taking car rides with you and singing Tupac, "How Do You Want It." It was so funny avoiding those skunks that used to roam in front of the house at Canton Commons.😂

I laughed a lot with my friends growing up and I had some great lovers. I drank a lot and had lots of amazing food.

but through the years I gained some experience, so I'll share some with you. Hopefully, it will help you along the way through life.

A Few Words of Wisdom

Get to know God and read the Bible often, especially Psalms, Proverbs and the New Testament. God will get you through many dark times, open doors and close doors that you no longer need.
Believe in yourself. You might not think you're enough, but truly all you need is you. So treat yourself well and go after your dreams.
Take responsibility for everything that happens in your life, the good and the bad(I know accidents happen, but make the most of them and never be a victim. You have the power to win). Then make the most of what you've got. God will always add more.
Keep a positive mindset. Our thoughts guide us, make sure yours are leading you to good places.
Pay attention to your thoughts, and fix the ones that are negative with ones that affirm the greatness of who you are.
Never give up! You only lose when you quit(a pivot is different than quitting. Pivoting is an educated guess to make things better).
Just because things are hard doesn't mean you are in the wrong place. Get strong.
Don't ever judge your life by what others think of you, good or bad. What matters is how you feel when you look in the mirror.
It's better to be alone than with bad company
Enjoy every minute with Noelle, the time goes quick
Read lots of good books about self-improvement
listen to good motivational speakers